Wednesday May 25, 2005
A handle on life
Another friend died last week. More accurately, the wife of a friend died.
No loss is ever identical to any other loss. I can\’t say to him, “I know how you feel.” I could only know how he felt if I had been through an identical experience. And that would never happen.
When my mother died, my father grieved deeply. In some ways, I think he never stopped grieving.
When his second wife died, having similarly wasted away with illness while he nursed her, I expected my father to be doubly devastated. I thought it unfair that anyone should have to go through that tragedy twice.
But he almost shrugged it off. “We knew we would have a limited time together,” he explained. “It was only a question of which of us would go first.”
So right now, I don\’t know what my friend is feeling. Shock, certainly. Anger, probably. Absolute utter soul-sapping weariness, inevitably. Eventually, acceptance of this “new normal” in his life.
Or all of the above, all at once.
Prophets of our time
Some 20 years ago, the magazine I worked for wanted to run an article on the prophets of our time. That\’s prophets in the Old Testament sense – people who told the truth about our situation, regardless of the consequences; people who helped us sift through the superficial layers of experience to see the deeper patterns underlying our reactions.
Most of the people suggested were theologians, of one kind or another. But one of them had no theological credentials, and few theological pretensions — Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Looking back, I think she may have been the most prophetic of all.
Because she gave us a tool by which to understand the most profound experiences of our lives.
Based on her work with terminally ill patients, she identified five “stages” of dying. The first reaction to a diagnosis of incurable illness, she said, was shock and denial. Then followed anger – “It\’s not fair! I don\’t deserve this!” Then bargaining – “Get me out of this, and I promise I\’ll never smoke (or drink, or whatever) again.”
When bargaining has no effect, patients sink into depression. Eventually, often shortly before death, some of them reach a wonderful calm acceptance of their fate.
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It\’s also worth pursuing Richard Fairchild\’s United Online site. Another site worth visiting is David Keating\’s \”SeemslikeGod\” page.
But to call these “stages” is misleading. Because most of us don\’t go through those stages in nice linear steps. All five stages swirl around us unpredictably. Often we think we\’re finished with anger, say, and then it rages back months later.
I\’ve since realized that the general sequence applies to much more than death. You can certainly go through the same reactions after a divorce. Or retirement. Or moving to a new city. Even after supposedly good experiences, like getting married. Or having a child.
Every major change causes upheaval. Adjusting to that upheaval takes you through Kubler-Ross\’s stages.
The stages of dying are also the stages of living.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross helped us make sense of our experiences. And that\’s always prophetic.
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Copyright © 2002 by Jim Taylor. Non-profit use in congregations and study groups permitted; all other rights reserved.
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