Wednesday March 19, 2008
Making a fresh start
Our daughter Sharon has left for Ethiopia, to pick up her second adopted child from that country, a one-year-old boy.
Three years ago, she adopted Katherine Rediet (“rediet” – pronounced “ready-yet” — means “blessing,” in the Amharic language of Ethiopia). Like any grandparents, we think she\’s the most beautiful and most talented child in the world.
But Sharon wanted a second child. She asked for a boy this time. She told us she would name him Stephen, after her older brother, who died of cystic fibrosis shortly before his 22nd3\”> birthday.
Last October, she got word that a boy had been found for her. His Ethiopian name is Tekalegn (pronounced “teck-uh-lin”). Sharon asked an Ethiopian woman in her Edmonton congregation what Tekalegn meant.
The woman paused, and thought, and then said, “It\’s hard to translate. But it means something like \’Replacing something precious that was lost\’.”
The revelation took our breath away. It still does.
What\’s in a name?
So our grandson will be Stephen Douglas Tekalegn Taylor.
Over the last six months, Joan and Sharon have happily chattered about preparing for “Stephen\’s” arrival. They\’ve repainted “Stephen\’s room.” Joan has knitted sweaters for him. Katherine is setting aside toys for her little brother.
But I haven\’t been able to speak of him as “Stephen” yet. Something stops me. And that disturbs me.
I thought that I was over my sense of loss after our son died. Joan still has trouble talking about it, 25 years later, but me, I talked about it openly, perhaps too much. I incorporated insights from his life and death into magazine articles. Ten years later, I even wrote a book about it: “Surviving Death,” later republished as “Letters to Stephen: A Father\’s Journey of Grief and Recovery.”
I thought of all these as catharsis, clearing the decks, getting on with life.
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For a lighter look at ethics, faith, and life, I recommend Ralph Milton\’s weekly e-newsletter Rumors. You can subscribe to it at the Wood Lake Books home page in Ralph Milton\’s Site, or by sending a note directly to [email protected].
It\’s also worth pursuing Charlene Fairchild\’s United Online site. Another site worth visiting is David Keating\’s \”SeemslikeGod\” page.
Obviously, I haven\’t coped as well as I thought. There\’s still something irrational inside me that wants to believe that there was only one Stephen, that there will never be another Stephen, that no one else will ever be good enough to be another Stephen.
Giving his name to a stranger feels like taking Wayne Gretzky\’s number 99 down from the Hall of Fame and giving it to some upstart from the minor leagues.
I know, I know – it\’s silly. And it\’s not fair to Tekalegn. It\’s not fair to resent his assuming our son\’s name; nor is it fair to place that burden of expectations on his tiny shoulders.
He\’s my grandson, not my son.
He arrives in Edmonton this coming weekend, God and Air Canada willing… At that point, I have to give up nursing old wounds. I cannot penalize the one who lives, to preserve the memory of the one who died.
I cannot call him Tekalegn, when everyone else calls him Stephen. What\’s past must be past – he is the present and the future.
So I must, I shall, I will, love him just for who he is.
Welcome home, young Stephen.
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Copyright © 2007 by Jim Taylor. Non-profit use in congregations and study groups permitted; all other rights reserved.
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