Kittens in the toolbox
Author’s note: because most church congregations have more women than men, I’ve switched things around and portrayed the group as women, and the outsider as a man. I’ve given the women names; please don’t take them personally.
Mark 7:25 but a woman whose little daughter had an unclean spirit immediately heard about him, and she came and bowed down at his feet.
7:26 Now the woman was a Gentile, of Syrophoenician origin. She begged him to cast the demon out of her daughter.
7:27 He said to her, "Let the children be fed first, for it is not fair to take the children’s food and throw it to the dogs."
7:28 But she answered him, "Sir, even the dogs under the table eat the children’s crumbs."
7:29 Then he said to her, "For saying that, you may go–the demon has left your daughter."
7:30 So she went home, found the child lying on the bed, and the demon gone.
Scene: four women gathered around a coffee table in Mildred’s house.
Mildred: I had a call from Sylvia last night.
Abbie: Really? I thought she had died.
Helen: No, she came close, but she’s back on her feet again.
Tess: Well, sort of. I hear she’s home after bypass surgery, but she’s hardly on her feet yet.
Mildred: That’s what she called about. She asked if I would take out her garbage can once a week and set it by the curb, and then take it in again after the garbage truck has gone by.
Tess: That’s ridiculous.
Helen: Why can’t she do it herself?
Mildred: She says she doesn’t dare go out in case she falls down.
Abbie: Well, no wonder, have you seen her weight?
Tess: She’s fat!
Helen: She’s beyond fat! She makes the Pillsbury Dough Boy look anorexic!
(Laughter.)
Tess: If she fell down, it would take a tow truck to get her on her feet again.
(More laughter)
Mildred: It’s her diabetes, she says.
Helen: Nonsense! Diabetes doesn’t make you fat. Eating does.
Abbie: She just sits there alone in front of her TV and munches on snack food.
Tess: She should sign up for Meals on Wheels and get some proper nutrition.
Abbie: She won’t do it.
Mildred: She’s says she’s won’t accept charity.
Abbie: If she’s that proud, she doesn’t deserve charity.
Helen: Thank God she’s not our problem.
Tess: We’ve got enough things to deal with already, without worrying about people who won’t make the effort to help themselves.
(pause)
Helen: Whew! Is it hot in here or is it just me?
Tess: It’s you.
Helen: I thought I was over menopause.
Mildred: You’re never over menopause.
Abbie: There’s this little furnace that comes on unexpectedly.
(Bill enters quietly)
Bill: Excuse me…
Mildred: Go away Bill.
Helen: I thought you told him to stay out in the garage tonight.
Mildred: I did. But he didn’t.
Abbie: Bill, this is supposed to be the ladies’ night.
Bill: I know, but –
Tess: No but’s. Beat it.
Abbie: You’re not welcome, Bill. We’re talking about girl things.
Helen: You wouldn’t understand.
Tess: How could he? He’s a man.
Abbie: All men care about is their cars and their careers.
Mildred: Bill, go back out to the garage and stay there.
Bill: I can’t. There’s about this little orange cat –
Helen: You’re scared of a cat?
Tess: Poor widdle Willie got chased out of his garage by a kitty-cat.
Bill: I think it’s having kittens.
Tess: Well, that’s certainly a female thing.
Bill: She crawled into my toolbox.
Abbie: So take her out again.
Helen: That’s your problem, not ours.
Bill: I think maybe she wants company. It must be difficult, going through giving birth alone.
Tess: (scornfully) Yeah, sure, listen to a man telling us what it’s like to give birth.
Bill: I think she wants a nest or something. And I was thinking that tools are pretty uncomfortable to lie on. So I wondered if I could have a couple of the beach towels from the linen closet?
Mildred: My good towels? For a stray cat?
Bill: We’ve got lots.
Mildred: I save those for the grandchildren to use when they visit us!
Bill: They’re not here right now, and the cat is.
Helen: For heaven’s sake, Mildred, the towels will launder!
Mildred: That’s easy for you to say. They’re not your towels!
Abbie: Which matters more – dead cotton or living cat?
Tess: Yeah, let’s get our priorities straight here.
Mildred: Oh, all right, I suppose.
Bill: If you’ll show me which ones to take…
(Bill and Mildred exit together)
Abbie: Poor little thing.
Helen: It’s never easy, even for a cat.
Tess: I’m actually a bit surprised about Bill, being that sensitive, you know?
Abbie: I’ve been thinking about Sylvia. She’s all alone too. Ever since her husband died.
Helen: Maybe that’s her problem — she’s lonely.
Tess: No one to think about but herself.
Helen: No wonder she snacks too much.
Abbie: You know what? She needs someone to love.
Tess: Someone who’d love her back, unconditionally.
Helen: Maybe a kitten?
Abbie: Hey, we could drop around and see what she thinks….